Pope and Change: An Atheist’s Guide To Vatican Decision 2013

Pope Benedict XVI is resigning today, an event which will be closely followed by a conclave to determine his successor. I have inexplicably been following this with some interest.

Several news sources both secular and religious have tried to provide me with information on the potential successors without success. The articles tends to be a bunch of pictures of identical-looking old guys in red robes, which then go on to point out that this old guy in red robes was head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, but this old guy in red robes was head of the European Congress of Bishops, whereas this old guy in red robes was head of the Pontifical Council for Justice.

Some stories do classify them as either “liberal”, “moderate”, or “conservative”, which sounds more promising. But they never quite give any hint of what these terms could possibly mean, as all the cardinals seem about equally opposed to homosexuality and abortion and women priests and as far as I can tell everything else.

Proooobably there are aspects of this which are fascinating for Catholics, but as an atheist, I want two things from a Pope.

First, I kind of want him to be progressive. I have also accepted this will never happen*. For a while I thought I could kind of get away with hoping for relative progressivism, like rooting for the guy who was stuck in the 18th century over the guy who was stuck in the 15th century. But the differences between them seem so slight as to make this a dangerous game. And it seems sort of like a form of cultural imperialism to demand the head of a religion I don’t believe should parrot my views and ignore the views of his religion’s actual members.

But second, and less controversially, I want him to be hilarious. “Pope” is a funny word. Everyone knows this is true, even if they don’t admit it. And the Papacy itself tends to involve a person who looks like Emperor Palpatine going around in a huge hat saying silly things and mumbling prophecies of doom. I want someone who can carry on that legacy.

I understand it’s not always an unalloyed good to mock what is holy. But if something makes a claim to holiness, and falls short, and does it in a really funny way, such that you can still take good-hearted cheer in the bungled attempt without trying to mock the idea of holiness itself – well, I think that’s all in good fun.

So I’ve been reading through the biographies of some of the important cardinals and, while looking for evidence of their strong opinions on important issues, I’ve mostly just been collecting interesting or bizarre facts about them. And I thought that just in case any other atheists also wanted to know which of the papabile cardinals were most hilarious, I might as well turn it into a blog post.

Since this doesn’t solve the “all papal candidates look alike” problem, I’ve also replaced their pictures with a picture of someone else whose name sounds like theirs. To, you know, help keep them separate in my mind.

Cardinal Angelo ScolaCountry of Origin:ItalyOdd Professorships Held:Professor of Contemporary Christology, Professor of Theological AnthropologyPosition on Abortion:Pro-lifeKey Quote Indicative Of His Intellectual Prowess:“Would not Husserl’s reduction, together with the critique of constituting intentionality, rise up in protest against such a notion of foundation? On the other hand, to say that the foundation is already in place is not to reduce it to a ‘supreme being’ that can be adequate, as an object, to the conceptual representation of a subject, as naive realism would have it. Could the foundation, so conceived, stand up to Heidegger’s well-known critique of onto-theology?” (source)Key Quote Which Is Also, Confusingly, Indicative Of The Intellectual Prowess Of The Same Person:“Having abandoned the Christian faith, and disappointed by the claims of Enlightenment reason, [non-believers] find themselves defenceless before reality. To-overcome this anguish they resort to magic, which would allow them to gain the protection of occult powers, and they do not refrain from seeking an alliance with these same powers of evil. [But] participation in satanic sects and cults leaves man ever more defenceless before Satan. In this sense it can be supposed that those who belong to satanic sects risk becoming more easily the prey of realities such as witchcraft, the evil eye, diabolical disturbances and demonic possession.” (source)Possible Scandals:● His mentor, Emanuele Severino, was censured by the church for teaching “neo-Parminideanism”
● Seriously, there are still people who believe Parmenides around? Man, if you’re going to get in trouble with the Church for teaching heterodox philosophy, why would you choose the one philosopher who’s even worse than what the Church already believes?Probability of Secretly Being A Vampire:LowProbability Of Election Precipitating The Apocalypse, According To Questionable Prophecy By Medieval Irish Saint:Low Cardinal Peter TurksonCountry of Origin:GhanaBackground:Son of a carpenter; this is expected to play well in the VaticanPosition on Abortion:Pro-lifeKey Quote“Conditions exist for definitively going beyond a Westphalian international order in which the States feel the need for cooperation but do not seize the opportunity to integrate their respective sovereignties for the common good of peoples. Of course, this transformation will be made at the cost of a gradual, balanced transfer of a part of each nation’s powers to a world Authority and to regional Authorities, but this is necessary.” (source)Possible Scandals:● Showed sketchy anti-Muslim YouTube video at important conference; video later turned out to be totally fake
● Lack of long-form birth certificate meanswe can’t be sure he’s really from the Vatican
●Curse of HamProbability of Secretly Being A Vampire:LowProbability Of Election Precipitating The Apocalypse, According To Questionable Prophecy By Medieval Irish Saint:Moderate to high Cardinal Angelo BagnascoCountry of Origin:ItalyOdd Professorships Held:Professor of Contemporary AtheismPosition on Abortion:Pro-lifeKey Quote:“Why say no to forms of legally recognised co-habitation which create alternatives to the family? Why say no to incest? Why say no to the paedophile party in Holland?” (source)Possible Scandals:● Keeps getting death threats because of above quote.
● That whole “Professor of Atheism” thing really is kind of suspiciousProbability of Secretly Being A Vampire:Moderate, but I might just be saying that because of the pictureProbability Of Election Precipitating The Apocalypse, According To Questionable Prophecy By Medieval Irish Saint:Low Cardinal Tarcisio BertoneCountry of Origin:ItalyOdd Professorships Held:Professor of Special Moral TheologyCelebrity Endorsements: The ghost of Pope John Paul II, in a dreamPosition on Abortion:Pro-ch…no! Wait! Pro-lifeKey Policies for PapacyThe Cardinal is a huge soccer fan and used to give amateur commentary on local matches. He has suggested the Vatican participate in international soccer, stating that “we could, in future, field a team that plays at the top level, with Roma, Internazionale, Genoa and Sampdoria” and that “If we just take the Brazilian students from our Pontifical universities we could have a magnificent squad”. He later claimed to have been joking.Possible Scandals:● Cardinal Bertone is accused of lying about the text of a secret apocalyptic prophecy to cover up a part where Rome is declared to become the throne of the AntichristProbability of Secretly Being A Vampire:LowProbability Of Election Precipitating The Apocalypse, According To Questionable Prophecy By Medieval Irish Saint:Low – but if he’s already covered up one apocalyptic prophecy can we really trust him on this one? Cardinal Christoph Maria Michael Hugo Damian Peter Adalbert, Count von SchönbornReally?YesCountry of Origin:Czechoslovakia/AustriaBorn In Ominous Castle Upon Hilltop?YesOdd Professorships Held:Professor of DogmaticsPosition on Abortion:Pro-lifeKey Quote:“The modern world needs badly to hear this message. What frequently passes for modern science —with its heavy accretion of materialism and positivism— is simply wrong about nature in fundamental ways. Modern science is often, in the words of my essay, “ideology, not science.” (source)Possible Scandals:● Might have maybe kinda once condemned sexual abuse, proving him to be obviously crazy and unfit for the position.
● Impeccable anti-science credentials, but does he hate gay people enough?Probability of Secretly Being A Vampire:The only part of that question stopping me from saying “100%” is the word “secretly”Would I Still Probably Prefer Him To Anyone Else On This List?Signs point to yesFootnote:

1: When I was young, I read a passage from an alternate history book where James Joyce joins the priesthood, was eventually elevated to the papacy under the name Pope Stephen X, and reformed the Church, Irish-style. It had a lasting effect on me and you can find it here. Search for “The Stephenites were the most radical of all the Catholic clergy.“